This is my blog about my journey. What journey you may ask? The journey from thinking that the word freak was somehow a condemnation, to where I am now, knowing that, in the word freak there is power, liberation and freedom to be me.
Sometimes wanting to come home may not be what you need for the moment. As you travel into the unknown, returning home doesn't make you a man, Navigating through the challenges and self-discovery does. Show yourself that you can soar beyond your exception in your goal for 2020. Change the word "Heavy" from a negative to a positive. Be heavy about making changes from within yourself so that you can be light as a feather.
#TBT Once upon a time before the bad attitude, smart mouth, and stank face. There was a young man who was a big softy, lovely, kind, shy, and class 🤡 individual. As years pass I became angry at the world for personal reasons. As a result of my behaviors, I was given a reality check and consequences of my behaviors. My New Year's. Revolution is to get back that individual who was full of life, respect, and attitude of gratitude. Trust it won't be easy, but I was told Do you for you, Soar, Show me your action not talk, and Don't be heavy. I'm going to Digivolve into Mega.
Over the last few months, I have been through a difficult time.I was recently diagnosed with I'm Bipolar (WTH really). At 1st I was in disbelief because I felt damn I'm black, wear glasses, hearing impaired, talk with a lisp, and now I'm bipolar! Ugh Fuck Me
I was scared to tell Ohana simply because Ithought that they might disown me due to menot being perfect. But after talking to my therapistIwork up the courage to starttelling people close around me.
When ItoldUncle, it was on our way to Six Flags. He took a min and thought about it.Hesimply said,”it makes sense given your action as of late.”Honestly, hehandledit better than Ithought and was very supported which made me happy because he reassures me that he will loveme and that we are in this together.
So when Itold Alpha.I was terrified as fuck simply because Ifelthewouldn't believeme or didn’t want to in my life anymore. For this, Iwaitedweeks to tell him because I was scared. But he apparently knew already.But was waiting for me to share with him. He stated that ”I have eyes and ears everywhere. So don't think that I don't keep tabs on my Beta, because as your Alpha (BigBrother, Family and friends) to protect you. We're family so please don't forget.”I cried when he said that because I felt that I was alone, but he reassures me that I wasn't.
I ask him as my Alpha,“can you please tell Daddy?”Because I was scared to tell him.Fuck that I was terrified simply because that's my Daddy and I didn't want to lose him as well nor didIthink he would understand.After a couple of days later Ireceived a text from Daddysaying “BabyboyIloveyou till the end oftime.I will never leaveyou and know that Daddy is here for youalways and forever.
To be honest I choke up when Isaw this, because here Iam thinking that my family would abandon me. But they show me that we’re in this together as Ohana.
Ialsogave them multiple resources on how to talk and deal with someone who’s Bipolar. As well as how to helpsomeone during mania or episode.
We’re all learning about this every day. Because we’reOhana meansfamily, familymeans nobody gets life behind or forgotten.
Hereare some resources if you're not familiar with it.
I wanted to share a short story that I wrote in 2011. I thought it would be a good idea to show this side of myself. You see I love to write poems, short stories, etc. It help me relax as well as let my imagination run wild. This will be the 1st time that I will be sharing my stories to the public. So please share your thought and opinion about it. Here we go please enjoy!
I feel that I have been running for a minute now. Minute turn into hours, hours turn into days, and days turn into month. I didn’t know what to nor I didn’t mean to do I what I did. Everything happens so fast. It feels like it was yesterday, but wait it was yesterday. As I’m running through the woods. I'm covered in mud, my clothes had hole in it, and massive bloodstain all over my body, face, and hands. But what’s worst about this most of all is I just so happen to be running in new shoes that I just brought last week Ugh! My body can no longer go on, I need a break from all this running. So I stop by a lake to wash my face. As I began to see my face in the reflection in the water I start to rethink what happened. I felt tears rushing down my face because of the fighting, walking in on my lover (Mitch) cheating on me, and the doctor telling that I am now HIV positive.
it all started yesterday at the Doctor office. I came in for a routine check-up. Unfortunately it was a good one, my doctor came into the room with this serious look on his face. I could tell that something was wrong like my blood pressure was too high or that I should lay off the sweet. As he pulled his next to me and grab my hands. He began to say the following “Jake your blood test came back positive for HIV I’m so sorry”. He starts to talk about the next step, but I spaced out in disbelief on how this was possible. Me and Mitch have been together for 5yrs now. When we 1st met each other we were both HIV Neg and got tested together before having unprotected sex. I suggestive that we should get on Prep but said that we wouldn’t need it since we’ll be faithful to each other. so I trusted his words.
I couldn’t help but this may be that Doctor fuck up and gave me someone else result, but I knew that wasn’t true. But what I do know is that I have been faithful and Mitch have not. This Mother fucker has been cheating on me and I’m on tears of fucking rage that I was foolish enough to trust this no good NIGGA! I storm out of the doctor office into my car. All I need to know that I need an answer, no I demand fucking answer from him. Like why cheat, who is it, when does it happen, and how long has this been going on? I’m driving down the street with so much rage and thinking so much. That I'm running past street light just to get home.
As I finally make it home I notice that there’s a car way in the driveway beside his own. The car look so familiar but I was so consumed by rage that I didn’t give no fuck to take a second look. I park my car on the grass and walk into the house. As I walk in I notice there’re clothes on the floor leading up the stairs, the sound of sex noise so passionately loud. I went back to my car to get my baseball bat out of the trunk., proceed to walk back into the house. I went into the kitchen to grab a Knife just in case something pop off. As I begin to walk up the stairs the sex noise started to become louder and clearer.
As I walk to the bedroom door I peak into the room only to have mouth drop. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I was in a state of fucking shock to find my best friend (Leo) and Mitch having sex. The thought of betrayal, lied, and played for a fool feeling started to make me angry that it was the last thing I could remember. I black out all I know is that I all I could hear was “Stop Please Stop!” But I didn’t care all I could hear that voice slowly becoming quiet and the feeling of something wet all over my hands and face, my clothes covered in red, and two naked bodies laying on the bed. When I realize what I have done, all that I could think was “run Jake run’ and that’s exactly what I did run.
Now do you understand why I am running? Not because of what I did, but simply for the fact that I’m ashamed of what happened to me. I refuse to let people know about the truth that I’m now HIV positive. I threw the murder weapon into the lake and continue running. So I will keep running till I can no longer run anymore or if this virus takes my life 1st……
These last few weeks have been difficult and challenging. I sometimes feel that I'm alone but that’s not the case at all. I have people that love and care for me. Yet I’m constant war with my mind. To the point that I start to make it my own story and I start to believe it. Because of this it have damaged some relationships with those around me. I’m truly sorry for that.
I have started seeking therapy 2-3 times a week. It has been helpful when it comes to getting my feelings out sometime. I still struggle with that but this is a focus of my therapy plan. Trust me when I say that it has not been easy.
I’m sharing because as a gay black man, we are told at a very young age that black man don’t talk about these things. We were taught to swallow it up or pray about it and move on with life. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to seek help and to have a support group.