Freak Living With Mental Illness

Hi Freak,

Over the last few months, I have been through a difficult time. I was recently diagnosed with I'm Bipolar (WTH really). At 1st I was in disbelief because I felt damn I'm black, wear glasses, hearing impaired, talk with a lisp, and now I'm bipolar! Ugh Fuck Me

I was scared to tell Ohana simply because I thought that they might disown me due to me not being perfect. But after talking to my therapist I work up the courage to starttelling people close around me. 

When I told Uncle, it was on our way to Six Flags. He took a min and thought about it. He simply said,”it makes sense given your action as of late.” Honestly, he handledit better than I thought and was very supported which made me happy because he reassures me that he will loveme and that we are in this together. 

So when I told Alpha. I was terrified as fuck simply because I felt he wouldn't believe me or didn’t want to in my life anymore. For this, I waited weeks to tell him because I was scared. But he apparently knew already.But was waiting for me to share with him. He stated that ”I have eyes and ears everywhere. So don't think that I don't keep tabs on my Beta, because as your Alpha (BigBrother, Family and friends) to protect you. We're family so please don't forget.”I cried when he said that because I felt that I was alone, but he reassures me that I wasn't. 

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I ask him as my Alpha,“can you please tell Daddy?”Because I was scared to tell him. Fuck that I was terrified simply because that's my Daddy and I didn't want to lose him as well nor did I think he would understand.After a couple of days later I received a text from Daddysaying “Babyboy I love you till the end of time. I will never leave you and know that Daddy is here for youalways and forever. 

To be honest I choke up when I saw this, because here Iam thinking that my family would abandon me. But they show me that we’re in this together as Ohana. 

I also gave them multiple resources on how to talk and deal with someone who’s Bipolar. As well as how to helpsomeone during mania or episode. 

We’re all learning about this every day. Because we’reOhana means family, family means nobody gets life behind or forgotten. 

Here are some resources if you're not familiar with it. 

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-a-Bipolar-Family-Member

https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/helping-loved-one-with-bipolar#1

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-a-Bipolar-Person

https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-life-17/slideshow-help-someone-with-bipolar

https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-support/bipolar-anger-how-to-handle-your-bipolar-relatives-anger

https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-support/best-things-to-say-to-a-person-with-bipolar-disorder

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-not-to-say-to-somebody-with-bipolar-disorder-380598

As well as here are some books from Amazon that can be useful.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1608822192/ref=sr_1_1?crid=11CW3I4WRE4PV&keywords=how+to+deal+with+someone+with+bipolar&qid=1568149146&s=gateway&sprefix=how+to+deal+with+some%2Caps%2C146&sr=8-1

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"My Mental Health is not an excuse but it's a reason."

​

Short Stories

Hi Freak

I wanted to share a short story that I wrote in 2011. I thought it would be a good idea to show this side of myself. You see I love to write poems, short stories, etc. It help me relax as well as let my imagination run wild. This will be the 1st time that I will be sharing my stories to the public. So please share your thought and opinion about it. Here we go please enjoy!

I feel that I have been running for a minute now. Minute turn into hours, hours turn into days, and days turn into month. I didn’t know what to nor I didn’t mean to do I what I did. Everything happens so fast. It feels like it was yesterday, but wait it was yesterday. As I’m running through the woods. I'm covered in mud, my clothes had hole in it, and massive bloodstain all over my body, face, and hands. But what’s worst about this most of all is I just so happen to be running in new shoes that I just brought last week Ugh! My body can no longer go on, I need a break from all this running. So I stop by a lake to wash my face. As I began to see my face in the reflection in the water I start to rethink what happened. I felt tears rushing down my face because of the fighting, walking in on my lover (Mitch) cheating on me, and the doctor telling that I am now HIV positive. 

it all started yesterday at the Doctor office. I came in for a routine check-up. Unfortunately it was a good one, my doctor came into the room with this serious look on his face. I could tell that something was wrong like my blood pressure was too high or that I should lay off the sweet. As he pulled his next to me and grab my hands. He began to say the following “Jake your blood test came back positive for HIV I’m so sorry”. He starts to talk about the next step, but I spaced out in disbelief on how this was possible. Me and Mitch have been together for 5yrs now. When we 1st met each other we were both HIV Neg and got tested together before having unprotected sex. I suggestive that we should get on Prep but said that we wouldn’t need it since we’ll be faithful to each other. so I trusted his words. 

I couldn’t help but this may be that Doctor fuck up and gave me someone else result, but I knew that wasn’t true. But what I do know is that I have been faithful and Mitch have not. This Mother fucker has been cheating on me and I’m on tears of fucking rage that I was foolish enough to trust this no good NIGGA! I storm out of the doctor office into my car. All I need to know that I need an answer, no I demand fucking answer from him. Like why cheat, who is it, when does it happen, and how long has this been going on? I’m driving down the street with so much rage and thinking so much. That I'm running past street light just to get home.

 As I finally make it home I notice that there’s a car way in the driveway beside his own. The car look so familiar but I was so consumed by rage that I didn’t give no fuck to take a second look. I park my car on the grass and walk into the house. As I walk in I notice there’re clothes on the floor leading up the stairs, the sound of sex noise so passionately loud. I went back to my car to get my baseball bat out of the trunk., proceed to walk back into the house. I went into the kitchen to grab a Knife just in case something pop off. As I begin to walk up the stairs the sex noise started to become louder and clearer. 

As I walk to the bedroom door I peak into the room only to have mouth drop. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I was in a state of fucking shock to find my best friend (Leo) and Mitch having sex. The thought of betrayal, lied, and played for a fool feeling started to make me angry that it was the last thing I could remember. I black out all I know is that I all I could hear was “Stop Please Stop!” But I didn’t care all I could hear that voice slowly becoming quiet and the feeling of something wet all over my hands and face, my clothes covered in red, and two naked bodies laying on the bed. When I realize what I have done, all that I could think was “run Jake run’ and that’s exactly what I did run. 

Now do you understand why I am running? Not because of what I did, but simply for the fact that I’m ashamed of what happened to me. I refuse to let people know about the truth that I’m now HIV positive. I threw the murder weapon into the lake and continue running. So I will keep running till I can no longer run anymore or if this virus takes my life 1st……

By Treble Onyx  

Mental Health Freak

These last few weeks have been difficult and challenging. I sometimes feel that I'm alone but that’s not the case at all. I have people  that love and care for me. Yet I’m constant war with my mind. To the point that I start to make it my own story and I start to believe it. Because of this it have damaged some relationships with those around me. I’m truly sorry for that. 

I have started seeking therapy 2-3 times a week. It has been helpful when it comes to getting my feelings out sometime. I still struggle with that but this is a focus of my therapy plan. Trust me when I say that it has not been easy. 

I’m sharing because as a gay black man, we are told at a very young age that black man don’t talk about these things. We were taught to swallow it up or pray about it and move on with life. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to seek help and to have a support group. 

If you’re interested in seeking help, Howard Brown Health (Chicagoland Area) offers services and a sliding scale for those without insurance. They will still see you regardless of your ability to pay. As well as Psychology Today (Worldwide) or The National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network (West Coast)

The Ugly Truth Of A Freak....

 

We as human beings are offered two choices; tell the truth or lie. We’re taught that telling the truth is the honest and best way to go through life. But often times we ignore this and lie--in hopes that we could protect others from the impact of the truth. For example I was asked a question earlier last week, I chose to lie because, in my own way, I thought that I was protecting the person that asked the question, from the impact that the truth would have on them. I assumed that by being honest I would hurt them more. Over the weekend, I learned that ‘white lies’ caused greater disappointment with just seeing the look they had in their eyes. My actions cannot be justified nor am I wanting to try (well, not any more). By learning from this experience, I see that I need to be honest and truthful with others at all times. Most importantly I need to be honest and truthful with myself. How can I preach about living my truth when I can’t even be honest? The face of disappointment is something that I never want to see on anyone I care about again. But then again these are only words. There has to be action to back up my words.

 Honesty refers to the quality of being truthful and sincere whereas truthfulness refers to the quality of telling the truth.

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives." 

Mark Twain 



Rubber Cub 🐻

Over this past week I attended MWR (Midwest Rubber) to show support as well as represent Onyx. The overarching driver for my support was to find out more about rubber as a lifestyle/kink. I have taken an interest over this past year in rubber-- by asking respected Rubber People such as Jeff, Beacon, questions regarding rubber, care, what style is right for you, brand, and price (this lifestyle is not cheap whatsoever) etc. About two years ago I decided to try on some rubber at FK (Full Kit), so that I could get a feel and see how it would look on my body. Needless to say that it was a bit different and I felt hot. Here is a pic from FK when I tried it on:

During MWR week I decided to attend Kink U Classes to learn more about rubber, as well as check out the auction. While there I stumbled across a cat suit that caught my eye. I wanted to try it on so bad but I had no idea where to begin nor did I want to rip it. Most of the MWR Judges and others that I spoke to, guided me how to put it on. Once I finally got it on my body I felt at home. It made me feel so empowered, amazing, and sexy. Let me tell you though, after a while in the suit OMFG I was hot as fuck! During that entire weekend I learned so much. I would totally like to thank the MWR Judges, Puma (for helping me with throughout the night), Gerry, Jeff, and Beacon for allowing me to obtain some knowledge, and the Rubber Community for the encouragement, compliments, support, as well as welcoming me with me open latex lol….

"I wore so much rubber when I was at MGM, I bumped into the wall once, and I ricocheted."

-Rita Moreno

Sailor Mercury:Legionnaire

Dear Uncle, 

If you're reading this "warning you'll need Kleenex". When I first met you I was instantly drawn to you; Maybe because of your nerdiness or, the sense of welcome that you greeted me with. Either way I felt welcomed, loved, and most of all grateful. You're someone that I look up to, admire, respect—within the community and in my personal life. I'm privileged and honored to have you in my life, not just as my Uncle, but also as a friend, fellow anime nerd, and most importantly family. 

You're always there for me whenever I'm down, sad, or need someone to laugh with about silly stuff.  Over these last few years of getting to know each other, we have become very protective of one another. We also have helped each other realize the strength from within our journey so that we may soar. 

I simply want you to know that you're loved, acknowledge, more than enough, and wanted. If you don't believe me here're some comment from others that love you as well....



Joey
Not Only is he my big bro but he is a friend and  chosen family. To know him is to know a kind soul that loves as naturally as we breathe oxygen.

-Puma Onyx (Alpha)

When I began my journey some 5 years ago I met this amazing man. He is a gentle and kind soul. I tell him all the time whenever I see and hug him I’m put to ease and it feels like home.  When I went through a period of doubt and didn’t know which way to turn on my leather journey he was there  supporting me and nudging me along.  He is a vessel of knowledge and a whole lot of class. I am now honored to have him be apart of my leather family “Ohana” which means family.   He is a legendary leather and Onyx man and I am beyond proud to call him my Uncle Joey. He is truly family for me!

-Daddy Jay 

Lost on Freak Ave...👀

Over these last few months I have been lost in my freak journey. I am struggling to find myself again. Unfortunately, these challenges have been very difficult; to even find that fire in me again. I’m sharing this because I am real, and I am trying to find myself again. In the mean time, I am hoping that by finding myself again that I’ll come back stronger, freakier, and more confident than ever. Until then See you later Space Cowboys.


“Sometimes when you lose your way, you find YOURSELF.” 
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

😑Beta🙄:The Struggle from within

When I 1st came into my Leather Family the thought of me being Beta was a bit unsettlingly for me. Mostly because I dislike that words so much. That it made me want to Barf. Please understand that I'm not bad mouthing "Beta" itself . But more referring to as my place in a family. My personal definition of Beta was someone who was submissive, No power nor saying in a family topic, but more importantly not respected. Because in all honestly I thought that I was going to be Alpha. My feeling about that felt like Sky from Power Ranger SPD didn't get the Red Ranger, but Blue Ranger instead (only my nerdy freak will get the reference). But over time I became to understand on why Daddy made that decision. It wasn't because of age but simply for that I hav lot to learn about myself, the world, and their need wanting to protect me from certain individual. So needless to say that Beta to me is not bad, it's actually power beyond measure. To what that's exactly I am still figuring out. But trust when I know so will you. 

"I think beta males on an evolutionary basis are much more successful than the alpha males are. You don't hear much about us, but there's a lot more of us out there."
Christopher Moore 

In Leather We Pray

Treble Onyx

I share that I may grow In Self care

We all have things that we don't like to say out loud. But sometime admitting that you have a problem will jumpstart the path to change. 

There's something about me that some may not know, and that is that i don't criticism very well— whether it's good or bad. I tend to get very defensive, sometimes to the point that I hurt those around me that I deeply care for— such as friends, chosen family, and myself.

The reason why I'm sharing this with my fellow freaks is because I need to change this about myself. It is my hope that by sharing this about me I, first, admit that i have a problem and second, i seek help. This is a new step for me. 

This will be challenging as I am a "creature of habit". Only time will tell, but dedication is the key

Poems for Ohana ♥️

On the month of love our family was born.  It was magical and beautiful, just like a unicorn.  So the members consist of Daddy, Alpha, Beta and Uncle too.  I will admit that in joining a family I simply had no clue.  But one thing that’s certain, this is something I definitely want to pursue.  So as we celebrate a year in family, happiness, disagreements and love.  Just know that this family is just as beautiful as a dove.  Even though we can drive each other bananas, I’m happy to call them my OHANA’s...